...was uncovered quite by accident on July 7, 2XXX when an employee of Boeing Aircraft Co. purchased a surplus IBM copier for scrap parts at a sale, and discovered inside details of a plan, hatched in the embryonic days of the "Taishomei Jidai"
1. COMFY SHOES
You will be on your feet pretty much all fucking day and night. Don't ache or complain about how much it hurts. Wear something comfortable. May I suggest rubber ducks?
2. GET CASH
50% of the places you will want to go won't take credit cards, and if you use a certain credit card that shall remain nameless, (redacted) will want you dead. Also, you can't use *my money* so get your own from an ATM. I can show you where they are. Or, see if you can shake Col. Baldwin down for a wad. I personally set aside about US$ (redacted) in yen to play with when in Japan, but I don't share. Ever. So get some cash.
This is a real thing. Expect your sleep schedule to be moderately fucked up for 3-4 days after arrival, maybe less depending on how young and spritely you are. I usually wake up around 5am anyway no matter where I am, and usually hungover, even on my best days, so I can deal with headache, low energy , etc. You might want to keep some Red Bull or Blackout handy with you the first couple of days because it might be the only thing that helps. This, I can share.
4. DON'T OVERPACK
You can buy anything you need, including clothes and bathroom/makeup stuff, in like 5 min no matter where we are in Tokyo. The whole city is made of convenience. Just bring enough junk to get you through the first few days. Common sense, etc.
5. DON'T GET SICK
There's nothing worse than being in the raddest place on Earth and you can't do shit, including work, prancing around on camera, because you have a cold/flu, a brain aneurism, etc. Hand sanitizer is your friend. Use it ALWAYS after you touch ANYTHING. Drink some fucking water once a day. Just don't get sick. No one will want to take care of you and you will hate your life.
6. NOTHING HAPPENS UNTIL 10-11am IN TOKYO
Nothing is open, no sane person will book a meeting, nothing happens until after 10-11am in Tokyo. Wake up, put on some cartoons and shitty TV, and use the time you have to check in with Counter-Espy and keep up on email, work, etc. Once you step out the door, you probably won't be back until very late. Whatever time you have between waking up and 10-11am is the only time you will have to keep up with whatever is left of your life at this point.
7. GET A PHONE
You won't be able to survive there without one. I wouldn’t want you to, anyways.
8. DO THE RIGHT THING, AND EVERYONE GOES HOME IN A CADILLAC
9. I AM THE CAT WHO WALKS BY HIMSELF
(Redacted) about me, about what I am doing (redacted) ANYONE ELSE except about (redacted) requires trapeze artist level trust. (Redacted) show me the way to the root beer this time. (Redacted) making sand castles, worrying about details, being Lake Me, etc.
10. SUM JAPANZ
Yeah, it's gonna happen and you won't be the same after, so go easy and jump in. Relax. Boogie.
11. DON'T FORGET OR LOSE YOUR PASSPORT
I will laugh so hard, and then I'll nuke your homeworld.