Punishments of the Olde Tymes

“Japanese history is nothing but torture, assassination, murder, and suicide,” says Slasher-san proudly as we dash about Nikko Edo Mura, AKA the Nikko Edo Wonderland theme park, gorging ourselves on cheap thrills.

Earlier, a van of us, going north. Pilgrims to a public bathhouse resort and various temples.  Human beehives of Kawaguchi and approving nods to the Saitama love hotels. They give way to hills full of fall leaves that hug us all weekend. Old women hobble about in the street clutching bags of vegetables, passing massive and abandoned pachinko parlors, or empty parking lots. Later, we all get naked and jump into hot tubs with complete strangers. But first...

Stop one. Nikko Edo Mura.

These are the gates. Pretty, but dull. It only gets better from here, folks.

Imagine Ren Faire, jidai-geki style. Costume performers stroll through the ersatz streets of old Japan. The family eats yakitori, and the kids beg for plastic swords, and you pay for it all in ryo. But stray off the main paths and it starts to get wacky.

Statue of a ninja sticking to the ceiling inside a funhouse. By the looks of him, he's been up there since at least the 17th century. Bonus points for having only one eye and being covered in dust.

As every student of Japanese history knows, the biggest problem during the old days were the hooded skeletons who ran around with strobe lights just below their rib cages. They kept one in the funhouse behind some chicken wire, one of the main design motifs of Edo Wonderland.

The cheerful Hell Temple welcomes vistors from around the world with a selection of oni torture instruments as seen in such movies as Jigoku (1961), Jigoku (1978), and Jigoku (1999).

Apparently, you die when you enter the hell temple. A big anamatronic Enma, the king of hell, then passes judgement on you. *Spoilers* He sentences you to hell. *End Spoilers*

One of the damned being having no fun at all in "the hell."

...and then this weird Venus Fly Trap looking-thing comes out, and...and...

...and then the Buddha comes out on a giant gold lotus and saves your dumb ass. I figured that had to be worth at least a beer run.

At the dark end of Edo Mura is the jailhouse. The families are nowhere in sight and the place really kicks into high gear. Here's a criminal being captured, probably for making noises in the middle of the night.

Two very good men appy heavy stone tablets to a very naughty woman's lap, while she sits on a slab of corrugated wood. Serves her right!

I am not making this up: tiny speakers play a funky music cue, you hear the sound effects of a woman getting whacked with a wooden stick, followed by her lavacious moans. Suddenly, you're in a Teruo Ishii movie.

DIY diagrams lie about the place so you can relive the fun and adventure at home.

The next stop: a replica of the house of a thousand corpses from Chushingura. Inside, men sit around giving and receiving head.

A lease-breaking party, Shinsengumi-style.

Damn. Homeboy's face...

Sorry this one isn't as gory as the others, but dig the totally menacing Mito Komon there in the middle, looking nothing like his cheerful TV show counterpart.

Too bad the Warring States era put an end to all the fun.

Afterwards, we cooled off at the ninja stage show. The guy on the right is Hattori Hanzo. He's about to get killed by his kohai on the left. Afterwards, a bunch of women mobbed the actors for autographs and pics. Ninja groupies.

Another reason why Edo Mura rules ok: when you use the crapper, Daigoro from Lone Wolf and Cub is there to watch over you.

Too bad they fucking hate foreigners, just like in the real Edo era. After this photo was taken, I was crucified, dismembered, and beaten about the ding dong with a pair of little sticks. Serves me right.

Comments

[Joseph Luster]

Was that Biollante back there in "the Hell"?

[Daryl Surat]

The only explanation I can offer for this Sayla Mass statue is that it's part of the Hell exhibit:

http://news.yahoo.com/photos/ss/photos_highlight_fp/im:/051107/photos_us_rank_afp/0511070032215yz2myvr_photo0;_ylt=Am5Y_XZj9c6d.GuKjnNcincFO7gF;_ylu=X3oDMTA5bGcyMWMzBHNlYwNzc25hdg--

Patrick, I humbly request that you do this humble owner of black New Balance walking shoes--the only shoes I own--proud by getting a picture in front of this wonder.

[Steve Harrison]

Damn....just....damn.

I wanna go.

So...

dare I ask what crime gets a woman to ass-sit on nasty ribbed wood and have heavy stone slabs laid on her legs? I assume this is done until something goes snap and ends in death...yuck.

And to not only be cruicified, but to have your legs spread and your dangly bits specially tormented...yikes.

Love the Enma Daito, however...damn, I can hear him now..."YOU are going to HELL, and DON'T give me any BACK SASS!"

[Carl Horn]

I take it the oyabun has the camera. This beats Tiger Balm Gardens with a mattock. But that bathroom floor looks sukatoro. Was it really covered in shit, or is that some more innocent substance, like, I dunno, almond butter?

[Matt Gray]

That bathroom is terrifying.

[MattP]

It's all very picturesque, but... what's that shit on the toilet floor?!

[Gerald]

This really seems like great family entertainment. Reminds me of when I went to Madam Clouseau's Wax Museum in London when I was about 5. First time in my life I'd seen what the inside of a person's neck looked like or what it really took to kill a person through bad surgery. And really, what's up with that bathroom? Is it some sort of authentic Edo era reaction to Edo era natto?

[Fko-san]

Official site. But Damn Flush Japanese Only.
http://www.edowonderland.net/nikko/index.html

[Milo Tindle]

Dude, kurotokagi.com has just brought out a bunch of rare Sonny Chiba flicks, some of which even you have not seen.

[JP]

What da fuck !

and I thought the Japanese were Civilized?

oh well People, I have to say that while the Long distant past history of Japan in the Edo Periode ( Edo was the old day name for tokyo, if i am corrent) may have been somwhat filled with Death, Murder Etc. but heck i think every Civilized culture gone through that sort of "hell"

Do you remeber what happend to the japanese in WW2? the Japanese Military leaders of the day said they would "fight to the last Man"
which resulted in the Atomic Bombing of the Japanese in 1945.

Howerver i have a greater concern, were the brains of the japanese affected by the radiation to the point where the japanese partake in that sicko Scat porn thing, shitting all over each other for sexual kicks.?

but then I coulds say the same thing about the germans who operated the WW2 Gas chambers using that Zyklon-b gas pellits were they affected adversly as well?, since they also seem hooked on that Scat & shit porn.

But hey Shitting on each other would have been far more preferable then the Japanse war mantra or the germans final Solution !

Live in peace ( and share a good shit) !!

[J. Sensei]

Dude, you are totally hilarious (esp. to anyone who knows enough about Japanese culture to appreciate your jokes) You have a new fan for sure. and that DOES totally look like daigoro. and he shat all over the place... heh