Rakee Imqukan

The world gets smaller or we get bigger...That's what happens after you get naked in Nikko with strangers in the public baths. My hot dog hanging out as God shakes his head at what a bunch of fucking pagans everyone are. Then someone starts washing my back down.

“This is Japanese style,” he says, and what I would pay to see my own facial expression at that moment. Nothing remotely like Bond and Tamba, I'm afraid. From there, I rest mostly in the sauna, which feels like hot morphine and a hamburger in my veins, but there’s also lots of sitting in the pool outside, over looking the river and wondering, hoping really, that a bunch of dirty little monkeys will jump out and attack.

It never happens.

Instead, we go to Tobu World Square, which is like…deep, deep strange. A Godzilla movies with no monsters. A collection of miniature replicas of world landmarks to gawk at. Lots of people in wheelchairs roll around, checking the scene. The pyramids of Egypt rest just behind the Eiffel Tower. The Chrysler building is next to the World Trade Center and the Empire State. And what seems like a million Inaka peer into a tiny Tokyo station. Maybe someday they’ll see the real thing. Ditto the Taj Mahal and me.

The devil is in the details. Here’s a little white guy doing the dirty “nampa” on some tight Japanese hoes in front of Tokyo Station. Afterwards, he has to buy them Vuitton bags, he makes them wear garter belts and rubber underwear, and everyone has ugly children.

I guess a 1/100 scale Nartia airport is kind of cool, only on the conceptual level…but the view is significantly improved when a giant oyaji enters the fray and starts shaking it for the camera.

The "Big" Apple...

NYC was tight and seemingly built by people who had only ever seen Lethal Weapon movies when they researched life over there. Dig the Thrilling Bank Robbery in progress. Behind those buildings on the right were…and I shit you not…a Super Dynamation-sized crack house. And that’s when my batteries ran out and/or I blacked out from lack of oxygen to the brain from laughing too hard.

The maintenance people were cool, were probably a bunch of pla-model otaku, and, based on the shit they made, possessed a sick sense of humor. The little people they surrounded the buildings with all tended to dress in hideous shades of green, blue, and yellow pastels. Especially the white folk.

If you really want to feel like you went around the world in 80 min., then pop on over to the World of Fast Food cafeteria. They got French Fries made from Idaho potatoes, Hot Dogs from Manhattan and Denmark, and wish-you-were-dead Ass Coffee afterwards from Hades.

I’m shaking my fist because evildoers will pay for the day they made America cry. In fact, I’m getting all choked up just typing this…

Comments

[Joseph Luster]

"Here’s a little white guy doing the dirty “nampa” on some tight Japanese hoes in front of Tokyo Station."

Norman?

[Carl Horn]

If you look closely at the guy arranging the Narita tableaux, he's allowing 1/100 scale hijackers to pass undetected through security.

I recalled that after 9/11 the owner of New York, New York in Las Vegas expressed gratitude that there was no World Trade Center among their scale-model skyscrapers. It wasn't included because the original was so much taller than, say, the Chrysler Building or the Empire State--it would have thrown off the scheme.

I've said it before, but the actual Tokyo Tower looks to me like a scale model blown up to life size. I mean, the Eiffel Tower is part of this whole city plan in Paris, but the Tokyo Tower just looks like something they plunked down in an empty lot.

[Matt Gray]

"NYC was tight and seemingly built by people who had only ever seen Lethal Weapon movies when they researched life over there."

...or Hill Street Blues...peep that squad car!

Hey, let's be careful out there.

[dave merrill]

If you ever come back to AWA that World Trade photo is going in the program book. Hell, it'll be the cover.

[U SUCK]

I SUCK.

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OrgID: VRIS
Address: 1880 Campus Commons Dr
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Country: US

[ring]

More or less nothing seems important. So it goes. Oh well. It's not important. That's how it is.

[model]

A one-night stand is wrong, is not wrong

[activation]

The U.S.-Mexican border fence works, doesn't work