An Eternal Thought in the Mind of Godzilla

Luxury Birthday Hiromi Style Last Forever

Snuggle up under the kotatsu and eat some of that weird stuff made out of chestnuts. It’s New Years in Japan, which means everyone is going to sit around and watch lots of tee-vee. At one point, a very strange gaijin will appear on the tube and begin to babble about anime and manga. This strange gaijin would be me.

I’m going to be featured in the two-hour special 空想共和国ニッポン～ジャパニーズ・サブカルチャーの源流を探る～ (which translates into something like “Fantasy World Japan – The Search for the Source of Japanese Subculture"). It airs on TBS BS-i on New Years Day beginning at 9pm. Link to the page for the show is here.

Rave+Camp

Blame Misses “Tiger Mishima” of Okinawa for unearthing the following pair of videos. Both feature THE CHANELS, one of Japan’s top pop acts of the early eighties. What was the secret of their success? What terrifying socio-economic conditions allowed them to even exist in the first place? I leave it up to you to decide...

Runaway (1980)

Hurricane (1981)

The decline is easier to chart. After an unfortunate incident involving underage groupies (i.e. statutory rape), THE CHANELS soon changed their name to RATS&STAR, but the gist of their doo-wop soul revue show remained the same. Then member Masashi Tashiro did the rotating door thing with prison for being a peep freak. The band, minus a few members, made a kind-of comeback in 2006 amidst much media coverage as THE GOSPERATS.

A Very men's egg Christmas

I tend to get all my news and information from only one source: Center Guy and Gal-o magazine extraordinaire men’s egg (which has a core demographic of readers age 15-21). Over the next few posts, I hope to share with you, courtesy of this fine publication, how the youth of Japan...I mean, Shibuya...gather with family and friends during Christmas to celebrate the birth of our Savior (at least, according to the current issue of men's egg). For starters, here are some of their tips on...

HOW TO HAVE A SUCCESSFUL GROUP CHRISTMAS PARTY

PREPARE
Cooking is fun, but it’s often more fun to order Dominoes Pizza and Kentucky Fried Chicken (proudly displayed in photo above). Also, stock up on Cokes, wine and Zima.

DOS AND DON'TS

DO buy lots of party firecrackers at Don Quixote or Tokyu Hands.

DO be careful about how you cut the portions of Christmas cake. Bitches are picky about shit like that.

DO be a gentleman. Pour the drinks for the gals and keep them coming.

DON’T be a pig and concentrate too much on woofing down all that pizza and fried chicken.

GAMES

Cosplay (which usually amounts to one of the gals putting on a Santa hat).

Gift Exchange

Hilarious pie or cake in the face finale

Drink booze out of baby bottles.

I Wish It Could be men's egg Everyday

men's egg magazine makes the following suggestions for a very romantic Christmas date with that special someone...that you probably met in a club in Shibuya last week.

A Night Cruise on Tokyo Bay (fucking expensive)
Helicopter Ride over the city (fucking expensive)
A Limo Party (still pretty fucking expensive)
Romantic Dinner in artificial landfill city of Odaiba (couple in picture seen eating French fries and Coke)
Visit a Christmas illumination display (free, if you can stand the crowds)
S&M at the Hotel Art in Shibuya (hey, it is Christmas after all…)

Grandma Got Run Over by a men's egg

men's egg magazine recommends watching the following films with your Gal girlfriend on Christmas to make her feel all romantic and shit.

Miracle on 34th Street
Nightmare Before Christmas
Titanic
Sister Act
Home Alone
Disney no Special Christmas
(I am not making the next two up, I swear)
Hotel Rwanda
The Pianist

A Miracle on men's egg Street

CHRISTMAS FUN FOR THE SINGLE MAN torn from the pages of men's egg magazine.

Keep in mind that the preceeding information is ONLY applicable in the Shibuya area during Dec. 24-25!

Problem: “I want a date with a girl for Chirstmas, but I don’t have enough money!”

Solution: PICK UP A SLUTTY GIRL IN THE STREET!

Type A (center): Alone. Looks bored. Don’t hesitate. Just go for it!

Type B (right): She is reading a map and can't even find where 109 is! She is dressed in brand name clothing, but her coordination is bad. She is obviously not from Tokyo. This is your chance to show her the sights. Go for it!

Type C (left): She is compulsively checking her phone either in front of the Hachiko or Tsutaya. She’s not doing anything. Maybe she missed the last train home. SHE IS JUST WAITING FOR IT!

PICK UP A SLUTTY GIRL IN A CLUB!

(Don’t forget, single girls are looking for company too on Christmas!)

Type A (center): She is dancing, laughing, and is surrounded by other potatoheads, I mean, guys. YOU MUST TARGET HER! Get closer, talk to her, and isolate her from other males.

Type B (left): She’s drinking. Make her drink more. This will get her guard down.

Type C (right): She’s not dancing, not drinking. She’s bored! Don’t ignore her. Be aggressive and talk to her.

PICK UP A SLUTTY GIRL IN A BAR

Type A (right): She’s screaming and loud. She’s already wasted before she even got here. Easy prey.

Type B (center): Surrounded by friends, she feels safe and secure. Don’t be afraid to approach.

Type C (left): A girl who brags a lot about herself (“I’m a model” etc.) is usually lonely and insecure. Be a good listener.

GENERAL ADVICE FOR PICKING UP SLUTTY GIRLS

In Bars and Clubs
Have some tequila shots yourself at first to help loosen up.
Have a private location nearby.
Don’t be a cheapskate. Buy her lots of drinks. This small investment will eventually pay off big time.

In the Street
Watch out for other guys
It all depends on your luck. You may strike out.
Even though you will be picking up slutty girls, don’t act like you are above them.

Good luck, happy hunting, and have yourself a merry little Christmas!

How men's egg Stole Christmas

Even more X-MAS FUN FOR THE SINGLE MAN torn from the pages of men's egg magazine....

Clubs

Christmas is men’s egg Night at...
Club Atom in Shibuya
3000 yen (1 drink)
All night

Christmas Bash 2006
Velfarre in Roppongi
3000 yen (1 drink)
5pm to 1am

Cabakura (AKA “Hostess clubs”)

Serenas
Shinjuku Kabuki-cho
Mention men’s egg and get a half a bottle of Jinro soju.

Jewelry
Shibuya
Mention men’s egg and free 30 min time extension.

Health Club (AKA fuzoku, AKA "sex")

Seiryumon
Shibuya
"Enjoy the taste of Run's (G-cup) fellatio on Christmas Day!"
Mention men's egg and get a whopping 3000 yen off the 20000 yen course

Renai Hakusho Health Delivery Service
Ikebukuro
Xmas Super Price - 5000 yen off (along with your pants)
Mention men’s egg and Ryou-chan (F-cup) will wear a Santa costume during “service" time.

Hey, it is Christmas after all…

仮面ライダーV3のクリスマス

Podcast: Hot Tears of Shame - Episode Fifteen

"Panty no Shimi"

Podcast:
Hot Tears of Shame - The Way to Virgin Space
Episode Fifteen

Unable to afford the train fare to Andromeda, where immortal mechanical bodies are made available to the rich and powerful, Matt Alt and Patrick Macias take the Chuo Rapid to Nakano Broadway where they shamefully attempt to sell off all their worldly belongings. On this odyssey, they also meet a gallery of fantastic characters; several otaku-themed bars are reviewed; and they ultimately learn that true beauty is always ephemeral - a concept that runs through Japanese art and culture.

Then they make for Akihabara…

Click here to listen

Buzz Supunky X Daisy Knit Cap

My interview with Michael Arias, director of the new anime film Tekkonkinkreet (AKA "Black and White") is in today's Japan Times.

Link to the intro is here.
The link to the actual Q&A is here.

He's the first gaijin ever to direct a feature length anime film in Japan, donchaknow?

Piston Honda

It’s no joke. Tomorrow I’m back to the boxing gym for the first time in almost a year and a half. Training means beer, smokes, and (sadly) tonkatsu intake will start to become scarce around here. But self-destruction, via damage to the head and hands – hopefully sometimes other people’s, will still be very much a part of the plan.

Coincidently (*very* coincidently), the 20th also marks the release of ROCKY BALBOA. Perhaps you've heard of it.

The guy at the sporting goods store was a little skeptical when I asked where the hand wraps were. “Everyone has been coming in here looking for wraps and gloves. Maybe you want this.”

He gestured over to one of these...

I responded with one of these...

A TKO FROM TOKYO!!

FOR ALL BATTLES OF men's egg

Temptation! I always wanted to run around inside a pachinko parlor snapping pics like a total tourist. The catch is, the staff would probably tackle me into submission and put my face through the front of machine where it would be impaled on pins (as seen in the V-Cinema classic “Violent Pachinko Man”). And that’s not accounting for the customers…

In any event, my little-steel-ball-fueled dreams recently came true when I was ushered into a Kabuki-cho pachinko place first thing in the morning on a Top Secret Mission for NHK. While the staff was busy trying to get the Initial-D machines to all synch up, no one noticed that I’d just been bitten by the shutterbug….

Behold, you nerds! The playing field of the Neon Genesis Evangelion pachislot machine. I understand the scoring system makes only slightly more sense than episode 26...

Most pachinko lifers will probably just assume this is a Yamato-themed machine. By Steve Harrison, myself, and probably no one else would know (or care) that this is actually based on The Galaxy Railways. Dig those circular instrument panels and battleship cannons all the same.

Fujiko Mine from Lupin III milks yen from old men who know what the Japanese word for "pneumatic" is. I wonder how much that figure on the right would be if you tried to pawn it off in some back alley in Nakano.

It's 2006, and sadly, most anime has the consistency of powdered milk. But inside the p-parlor, it's still 198X, just after the worldwide nuclear war, and here is the macho Fist of the North Star slot machine to prove it.

When they make the pachinko machine tie-up, it officially tends to means the fad is finito. Witness Winter Sonata with Yon-sama. (Not pictured, but duly noted: "Matsuken Samba" pachinko.)

Remeber that scene in Jaws where they kept the shark at bay with the help of hundreds of tiny steel balls and dozens of chain smoking unemployed oyaji? Me either!

These are the rules. To break. Bilingual even for your dumb gaijin ass. Oh that Garfield and Friends!

Ore no Sexy Zoom!!

The last time I went to my publisher’s office in Tokyo, I was handed a small lump of envelopes and postcards. “Fan mail,” I was told, all of them from the same person.

No return address. No real name, just the pseudonym “Iori Yagami” and a postmark from the Hyogo Prefecture. According to the assembled documents, he bought my book Otaku in USA “yesterday.” Returning home on the train afterwards, he became “excited.” He likes SNK games and Macross, especially the former.

One of the envelopes contained some fan art, reproduced below.

(Shame on you if you don’t recognize this quite famous character from King of Fighters!)

Mr. Yagami also mentions that he’d also like to meet some of my “otaku friends,” and that they would “write other things,” so if he shows up in the comments section, please don’t hesitate to say “dude, what’s up?”

"Her teeth were big and gappy so we called her Godzilla"

Epic podcast time, again. Me in a hero sandwich size 3-hour interview thing with the Otaku Generation dudes. I have no idea what comes out of my mouth anymore. Superheroes should stop me in a Tsuburaya tracking shot. Some of the following description is actually accurate.

This week we talked with Patrick Macias; a japan based journalist. Who gave us insight to the music, social and dress culture in Japan. Plus he shared his experiences as an interviewer for the many books he's published in Japan over the years. Listen and find out what kind of insight he provided, and hear about some of the best places to go while you're in Japan!

I use some bad words. Link here.

Fashion Leader in Niigata

Its “sweeps week “ over at SCTV…I mean, Japan, that place there. Time to bring out the big guns and hope for the best.

And so, Tomo and I will on TBS Radio’s STREAM show 12/12, (2pm Tokyo time) discussing the wacky world of “Engrish.” Find out what we really think about Crunky candy bars and the KinKi Kids by tuning in.

Link to STREAM homepage, along with soon-to-be-archived MP3 version of the show, here.

Shonen Gaho

The new issue of tres oshare magazine Studio Voice goes on sale today in Japan. This means J-folks can now read the first installment of my new column 'Paranoid States of America' that will examine the witchy world of conspiracy theorists, paranormal hoodoo, and post-millennial backwash.

Things kick off in aggressively un-otaku fashion via an interview with Detroit's Matthew Smith, front man for "the most paranoid band in the land" Outrageous Cherry. Together, we wonder if the OC's magik and occult-tinged pop music "opened a door to cosmic wisdom" and wound up predicting 9/11 months before it happened.

Expect a new book, and perhaps even increasingly paranoid podcasts, to rise from the wreckage.

Sono Sheet

It's my sexy birthday. I'm 34. Please tell me how menacing and devistating I am.

In the meantime, I'm totally going to lie on the floor and watch Silver Kamen...